Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
the liver wants what the liver wants
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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