I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
