Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
