so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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