So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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