My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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