Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
