I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
