Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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