I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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