Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
