I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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