i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
