we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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