I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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