A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
