Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
