Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
