I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
