Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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