I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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