I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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