How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
