You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
