Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
