if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
