YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
