Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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