Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
