tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
