My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
