please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
