can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I enjoy the company of your penis
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
