so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
