I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
