Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
