I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
