you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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