There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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