True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
