I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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