im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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