My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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