He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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