So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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