I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My cat gives me a boner
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
