so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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