I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
