i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
