She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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