She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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